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The Second

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Jan. 22nd, 2006 | 09:56 pm
mood: rejectedneedy

I'd like to take a moment to apologize for who I am.
I whine.
I complain.
I'm really not worth your time.

And it really hurts when you tell me to "stop" being sad. My feelings aren't a light switch. If I could stop, I would. Do you think I like the way I feel? Do you think I sit around and think of things I can do to make myself unhappier? No, I don't. I'm sorry. Yes, I may find a certain consolation in being discontent but I really don't like feeling like my heart is about to fall out of my chest only to be stepped on by you. I'm sorry that I'm not happy. If I knew how, I would be.

I don't even think I have a right to feel this way. I'm American and not poor. I have a nice house, my mother is decent, my brother is a pest but whose isn't? My family is safe, we have food on the table, electricity and running water. I'm fully immunized and have health insurance. I can go to the doctor sometime this week if I so chose. I know how many people would love to have that. I know my life is good and it really pains me that people think I think any different. Let's get this settled right now. I don't hate my life. I hate myself.

Someone else deserves this. Someone that can fully appreciate it. Someone that knows how to talk to other people and knows how to party. Someone that would laugh and smile and go shopping and be everything I'm not. And that's what I hate. That I'm not that person and that I don't know how to be that person. I sit here in my heated home, safe and well-fed crying in the dark and praying to a lost God that I die in my sleep because I don't have the courage to kill myself. I'm shallow and cliche and full of trivial stupid emotions that stem from inconsequential problems. I know that. I can't help the way I feel. If I could I would. I really would.

That said, I'm sorry I can't be happy. You make me want to be happy that way you'll be happy. So for you, I'll try to fake it. I'll research it and make another personality, a better me. I won't complain about little things like needing money for school, I'll focus on the good things like knowing my entire family is alive. I'm sorry that I can't be who you want me to be but I'll try. For you I'll try. Because I want to be someone you can love.

I'll make sure everything is fine.
And try to talk more, even when all I want to do is lay down and cry.
I won't tell you that "I don't want to talk about it.", I'll make sure I only bring up topics that I want to talk about.
I'll be everything you want, okay? Just don't tell me to stop being sad because I don't know how.

But for you I'll try. Only for you. I promise. Just don't stop loving me. Because I need you.

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