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The Eleventh

Jun. 9th, 2006 | 12:45 pm

I'm trying to lose weight so I can join the Coast Guard but, naturally, losing weight is harder than it sounds. If it weren't for the pest, I think I could do it. I eat when I'm stressed and God, he bothers me so much. All I need to do is lose weight and then I can be gone. I was aiming for the 15th but I don't think I'll make it... unless I manage to lose ten pounds in four days.

I should look into those celebrity diets. Or just stop eating entirely.

That said, I do believe the love of my current life is avoiding me; which sucks. I'm finding it a bit hard to not be upset seeing as apparently everyone is starting to find my personality intolerable.

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(no subject)

Apr. 12th, 2006 | 09:00 am
mood: pensivepensive

Dear you,

I wish I hadn't told you. I really did like things the way they were, with me secretly yearning for you and you loving someone else. If I had known your relationship was that rocky, I never would have mentioned how I felt. If I'd have known you returned some of my feelings, I wouldn't have said anything. I'm a glutton for punishment and a vague notion of pleasure is enough to shut me down and turn me into a former shadow of myself.

I liked it better before. I lied when you asked if I regretted telling you. I regret it every time I think about you. I regret it every second that I'm awake and every time I see you in my dreams.

I don't know how to love. I don't know what love is. You asked me how I could feel the way I did and honestly, I don't know. I don't even think there's a word for it and if there is, I surely don't know it. I could search a thousand different dictionaries and never find it. But you know I'm horrible at putting my feelings into words.

What I don't understand is how you can reciprocate my feelings.

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The Ninth

Feb. 27th, 2006 | 01:06 pm

It's been interesting. Everyone is coupling up, once again. In an attempt to distract myself, I've returned to my former love of reading. The downside is that this... makes me moody. Incredibly moody. Granted, no one else has noticed, but I have. I'm experiencing emotions I don't have words for and feelings that I'm sure fall outside my spectrum of normality. It wouldn't be horrible, I'm sure, if any of these mood swings produced something worth seeing. It's almost as though I'm riding a roller coaster with an incredibly long descent.

When I first noticed that I was not only moodier but more depressed, I went to get plasma taken, mainly to check my iron level so I would know the unending sadness wasn't being caused by anemia. My levels are well within the normal range. I honestly haven't the slightest ideal what it is. I just feel so much more -blah-than usual. And, as one would expect, there isn't a soul in the world to talk to. That's an exaggeration, there are people but their best advice, which they give frequently is to "Stop." or "Get over it."

If I could, I would.

I found a nice quote the other day; it describes me so very very well. "I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant." I checked online for the author but the vast majority of the sites that had the quote listed it as anon or unknown. There were three that listed Nixon and another that listed an Irish poet whose name escapes me at the moment. I'm going with anon, just to be safe.

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The Eighth.

Feb. 13th, 2006 | 11:15 am

I shared with you yesterday, because you said I never talk anymore. You didn't like it though, so now I don't know what to do. I'm really not that interesting and I don't feel like lying about it anymore. I'm working on it though, I promise. I'm sorry if I broke your heart.

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(no subject)

Feb. 5th, 2006 | 09:18 pm
mood: depresseddepressed

I'd like to apologize, once again, for being sad. I forgot I wasn't supposed to tell you. You're just so comforting to talk to. I'll try to remember for next time and keep my slightly less happy thoughts to myself.

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The Sixth

Jan. 30th, 2006 | 11:26 am
mood: crankycranky

It's lately come to my conclusion that people think I'm smart. Me. I'm barely average in my own eyes, I don't know how I've managed to fool everyone else. Either way, it's worked out against me. Now people come to me, asking questions about everything except Math. Apparently I complain about mathematics enough that people have realized it's not my strong suit. Either way, there's a small problem with people asking me things. Half the time, I don't know the answer. The other half, I'm not sure it's the right answer and then have to feel guilty about claiming not to know.

It was enough to know that I don't know anything, the constant reminder is making me apprehensive to talk to anyone for fear they'll ask me another question. I can't even point this out to them, the last thing I want to hear is the, "Oh! But you're so so much smarter than me." speech. It's a joy to know everyone demeans their intelligence as much as I do.

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The Fifth

Jan. 23rd, 2006 | 10:48 am
mood: uncomfortableuncomfortable

Someone in one of my Harry Potter comms on the other journal just posted this rant about Americanisms in Harry Potter. I don't think it would be so bad, because I do beta my story for things that I know are strictly American or different in England, but they did the rant the day after I posted a story to their affiliated fanfiction community. I can't help but think that it's somehow my fault. -_- Now I'm a little scared to post HP fanfics anywhere. Maybe I should stick to fandoms with American writers.

Oh, BBC World News, BBC-America, and those American - British English sites, the many many ways that you've failed me. I think the only thing worse than being judged by my race is being judged by my Nationality. Or maybe they're equally bad but one just feels worse because I'm so used to the other.

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The Fourth

Jan. 22nd, 2006 | 10:47 pm
mood: draineddrained
music: Whiskey Lulaby - Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss

My other journal makes me feel like no one cares. Here, I'm my only friend. And I know I care. And don't have to comment so I won't eagerly check my email for notifications.

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The Third

Jan. 22nd, 2006 | 10:44 pm
mood: discontentdiscontent

This was from my other journal but... I'm stupid and no one cares. I also worked decently hard on getting the information and it upset me to put it on private. I didn't actually want to delete it... So. *sighs* No one will read it here either, but that's the point, isn't it?
*removes the cut*

I was mentally going through the list of things I knew about my birthday and realized that, not only is the day cursed, it's also damned.

Things That Happened On My Birthday I'm uh, sticking to the things most people will recognize, or at least that I did. There was a battle for the War of Roses fought Sept. 23 1459 but... knowing nothing about the War of Roses I wasn't sure if the end result was positive.

1. 1779 and 1780 - various really boring things that led to America winning the American revolution. Which later led to Bush becoming President. Which later damned the world.

2. 1806 - Lewis and Clark officially return from exploring the American west. Which later led to vast numbers of Native Americans dying as they tried to save their homes and families from colonists.

3. 1877 - Hurricane Curaeao and Bonaire kills 200

3. 1846 - Neptune was discovered by Le Verrier. Let's not even get into how much Neptune is like me. Too out there for anyone to care but not out there enough for anyone to remember it's there. Nooo, Pluto gets that honour. Damn Morgan Pluto.

4. 1941 - The first gas experiments are conducted at Aushwitz.

5. 1950 - U.S. Mustangs "accidentally" bomb British on Hill 282 Korea - 17 killed

6. 1957 - Failed attempt at racially integrating US schools in Arkansas

7. 1958 - Nuclear test performed at Nevada test site (US)

8. 1958 - Nuclear test performed on Christmas Island (GB)

9. 1961 - How to Marry a Millionaire becomes the first movie that's turned into a television show. Yes, that was a bad thing. Have you seen TV now? Some things are better left alone.

10. 1962 - The Jetsons becomes ABC's first color TV series. And damns us all to television watching hell.

11. 1982 - Another nuclear test performed at Nevada test site.

12. 1996 - Howard Stern's radio show premieres in Balm Peach, Florida and Wilkes-Barre Pennsylvania

13. 1992 - Mud storm kills 30 people in France. As a person that lives in a relatively dry climate, I'd like to say... Wha? Mud storm?

14.1999 - NASA loses contact with the Mars Climate Orbiter I felt that one personally. For some odd reason, every school child in Houston must write long and extensive essays every time someone in NASA takes a piss.

15. 2004 - 1070 Haitians reported dead from Hurricane Jeanne

A bunch of actors, some artists, one Nobel Peace Prize winner (John Boyd Orr), a Nobel Prize laureate (Jaroslav Siefert), Euripedes, an Astronaut (William McCool, who died on the Columbia crash and even though I wasn't still in school I was so used to writing essays that I wrote one anyway some politicians, a few military men and that really and incredibly annoying red-haired actress from That's So Raven.

1. Friedrich Paulus - Various positions in the German military during both world wars. Granted, he surrendered in 1943 and was later very vocal against the Nazis but that doesn't help my thesis about the cursed birthday.


Just like the births, but add a Saint, Padre Pio (Whose statue not only cried tears of blood in 2002 but, while alive, his stigmata smelled like perfume and flowers), Pablo Neruda - Nobel Prize laureate, and Freud.


Now... Most calenders I see state that Autumn, officially, begins on Sept. 22. Some of them say Sept 23, but most have the 22nd. Assuming that Autumn is, in fact, the season of Dying then I was literally born the day after the world, or those of us in this hemisphere, acknowledge that everything is fading and that, for the rest of the year we're going to live amongst decaying vegetation. That, for the rest of the year, people will run off and catch the flu, pneumonia, various communicable diseases and die. That we have officially entered the time of the year when most people are going die from non-accident or stupidity related deaths. That people are going to sit in their homes and freeze to death. That, as of this day, we can just start writing the mortality rate in pencil because people are just going to run around, dying like it's going out of style and writing it in pen is just a waste of time.

That right now, it's okay to be cold and insensitive and not care about the fact that that homeless man or that abused prostitute might not live to see tomorrow because they're going to lay on the street and freeze. That apathy, cruelty, and unnatural selection based on social class are perfectly fine things to live by because we've crossed the threshold to our doom. That no, mankind is not immortal. You've had your Spring and Summer now bow down before all those mightier than you and accept your oppression. That no matter what you do, from this day forward, your soul is no longer your own, you are a slave to death and politics and you might as well just sell yourself to Satan for a little fire because it doesn't matter anymore.

And I was born the next day.

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The Second

Jan. 22nd, 2006 | 09:56 pm
mood: rejectedneedy

I'd like to take a moment to apologize for who I am.
I whine.
I complain.
I'm really not worth your time.

And it really hurts when you tell me to "stop" being sad. My feelings aren't a light switch. If I could stop, I would. Do you think I like the way I feel? Do you think I sit around and think of things I can do to make myself unhappier? No, I don't. I'm sorry. Yes, I may find a certain consolation in being discontent but I really don't like feeling like my heart is about to fall out of my chest only to be stepped on by you. I'm sorry that I'm not happy. If I knew how, I would be.

I don't even think I have a right to feel this way. I'm American and not poor. I have a nice house, my mother is decent, my brother is a pest but whose isn't? My family is safe, we have food on the table, electricity and running water. I'm fully immunized and have health insurance. I can go to the doctor sometime this week if I so chose. I know how many people would love to have that. I know my life is good and it really pains me that people think I think any different. Let's get this settled right now. I don't hate my life. I hate myself.

Someone else deserves this. Someone that can fully appreciate it. Someone that knows how to talk to other people and knows how to party. Someone that would laugh and smile and go shopping and be everything I'm not. And that's what I hate. That I'm not that person and that I don't know how to be that person. I sit here in my heated home, safe and well-fed crying in the dark and praying to a lost God that I die in my sleep because I don't have the courage to kill myself. I'm shallow and cliche and full of trivial stupid emotions that stem from inconsequential problems. I know that. I can't help the way I feel. If I could I would. I really would.

That said, I'm sorry I can't be happy. You make me want to be happy that way you'll be happy. So for you, I'll try to fake it. I'll research it and make another personality, a better me. I won't complain about little things like needing money for school, I'll focus on the good things like knowing my entire family is alive. I'm sorry that I can't be who you want me to be but I'll try. For you I'll try. Because I want to be someone you can love.

I'll make sure everything is fine.
And try to talk more, even when all I want to do is lay down and cry.
I won't tell you that "I don't want to talk about it.", I'll make sure I only bring up topics that I want to talk about.
I'll be everything you want, okay? Just don't tell me to stop being sad because I don't know how.

But for you I'll try. Only for you. I promise. Just don't stop loving me. Because I need you.

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